In the days and weeks after the birth of my first child, I felt a complex mix of emotions. Here, finally, was the baby boy I had carried inside my body for 9 months but had carried in my heart for much longer. He was the manifestation of the love that I had for my husband and the hope I felt for the future. He was perfect, beautiful, full-term, with a full head of hair. We could see the traits of my husband’s family and my own mingling in his sweet newborn face. He was exactly what I wanted. Everything was perfect.
As we left the hospital behind and headed home as a family of three, I knew there would be major adjustments ahead. The responsibility weighed heavily on me as I sought to redefine my life. My son was the center of my world now. My working life and my career would take a back seat now. This was my job and it was beginning to look larger than life.
It’s hard to admit that the next few months were among the worst in my life, but it’s true. My son was everything to me and yet as I tried to become absorbed in the day to day care of my infant son, I began to lose myself. I spent hours alone with my son, caring for him and neglecting myself. My ability to relax fell away as I spent every moment afraid of the next time he would need something from me. I was isolated from friends and from family – mostly because I had neither the energy nor the desire to pull myself together enough to leave the house.
I realized that this was depression, but it still felt as though I could do little to alleviate it. The anxiety I felt kept me from sleeping. The lack of sleep made it hard to focus. The inability to focus left me feeling completely spent. It was a vicious cycle and I felt helpless – completely unable to ask for help. I noticed that the pain medication that I was taking for the c-section also had the effect of calming the anxiety. I started rationing it – taking it only when I knew I would have some time to sleep. It became the only way I could get a good amount of sleep. This realization scared me – I didn’t want to become addicted – but it also reassured me – I’m not going crazy, this is actually chemical.
When my son was 7 weeks old, I received a phone call from my mother informing me that my grandmother had died as the result of a car wreck. The ensuing trip – the first our infant would take on a plane – was an emotional roller coaster. I was both sad and relieved. The sadness at my grandmother’s passing was tempered by the relief of being surrounded by family. My son would have plenty of loving arms to cuddle him. I could sleep without feeling like I would be awakened immediately.
I feel like this period marked the end of the worst of the postpartum depression, but I know that it took longer to emerge from it completely. It wasn’t until I went back to work 2 years later that the veil of depression lifted completely. As we contemplated having one more child, I considered this carefully. We talked about it openly – and agreed to call it what it was, postpartum depression.
When our second child was born under extremely trying circumstances, I was as prepared as I could be for the resulting emotional turmoil. This time, I would take action. A call to my OB set the wheels in motion and I went on an antidepressant as soon as my mood started heading south. It worked. I felt the depression leave first. I could function. It took a few more days for the anxiety to dissipate, but it too subsided.
Postpartum depression doesn’t affect everyone. It doesn’t affect everyone who develops it in the same way either. Please know that help is available and that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. There are wonderful resources on the web and your doctor is ready to help you as well. The best thing you can do is to be kind to yourself. You didn’t ask for this – nobody does. It is treatable and can be overcome. If you feel overwhelmed, anxious, unable to sleep, or have negative feelings such as resentment or anger don’t try to handle them on your own. Call your OB. Make an appointment
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I had a very similar experience. The anxiety of when my DD would cry was sending me into a tailspin of OCD. The sleeping was almost non existent which made focusing on what I should be doing, a mental impossibility! I love reading these blogs and stories which sounds sadistic but feels so good to know I wasn’t alone. It makes me feel more like a human being going through a hiccup of life rather than an awful excuse for a mother (which I was sure I was)
Returning to work also helped me as well. Most of the world will never understand what we endured or the decisions we make… But they are good for US and OUR family. That’s what counts.
All moms- keep your head up and be gentle on yourselves!
Thanks Paula. It makes me feel less alone too. It was a hiccup as you say, but it sure doesn’t feel like that at the time.
I hear you sister. I wrote a similar post yesterday amazing how the experience is so common but we feel so alone. I want other women to know there is hope and help. Www. Feelgoodparenting.org
Thank you for sharing your story. I have PPD again after just having my third child 4 weeks ago. I still dont have a supportive environment here at home or in the family so the struggle is amplified. I have been to mental health specialists, but here in Charlotte NC there does not seem to be anyone who deals with PPD.
People I am surrounded by do not take it to be real and instead think that I just need to stop being negative and be happy that I have 3 lovely children. They want me to get myself together, dress up, put some makeup on, get myself to church, and SMILE! There are still so many people who think this way that it is wonderful to read that I am not alone.
Thank you for sharing your story and knowing that there is hope.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through it again. I used to live in Charlotte – please consider looking at PostpartumProgress.com for help and resources – and look for resources in your area. It’s a big city so there may be therapists who know how to treat PPD. There are some great Twitter chats for moms with ppd, as well. It is rough when you don’t get support at home. Hang in there and please keep looking for help.